Smart Mouth Goddess Society
Royal Rules
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Jill Connor Browne is our favorite author in the whole wide universal and it feels appropriate to start our rules with a story from her book, "God Save The Sweet Potato Queens."


"A delightfully wise woman in my church, Miss Bettye, was a much-beloved schoolteacher for many years at an inner-city school. One Sunday she told us this story: Once upon a time, Miss Bettye had thick thick red hair and she wore it in a style that was called a "double bubble" and she had a bow pinned in between the two bubble sections. While she was going about her business at school one day, a little girl stopped her and asked, very solemnly, 'Miz Bettye, do you know that you have a bow in your hair?' Yes, of course, she knew that. 'Well, you sure don't act like it,' the child replied, still deeply earnest. 'How, then, should one act if one has a bow in one's hair?' she was forced to ask. 'Oh! You stand a little straighter and hold your head just so, and every now and then you reach back and give it a little pat, because it's special. And if somebody put a bow in your hair, it means YOU ARE SPECIAL!'  Of course, we were all bawling because none of us had had a bow put in our hair in so very long, but you see, that's the point: putting the bow in our own hair and knowing we are special. A tiara works the same way: You know you're special, and everybody else acknowledges that you're special, too, when you wear one."

So tiara wearing really is the hallmark of a Smart Mouth Goddess because we are so special. And when we wear it, we stand a little straighter and we hold our heads just so and we reach up and give it a little pat now and then to remind ourselves just how blessed we are to be Smart Mouth Goddesses!

 

I.     Name and Purpose

 

1.01      The name of our dazzling group is The Smart Mouth Goddess Society. Our number one rule is: Be Particular!

1.02      Our purposes include, but are not limited to, having fun, learning, sharing, pampering, being the center of attention (not to mention, of the Universe), and helping other people.

 

II.  Structure

 

2.01      The gorgeous wise generous founder and leader of the Smart Mouth Goddess Society is Jac Brennan, aka the Queen Mother.

2.02      The Smart Mouth Goddess Society will grant charters for other chapters following a brief application process. There is a one-time fee of $50 to start a chapter, and individual members must pay membership dues to the Smart Mouth Goddess Society. Each new chapter will get a Goddess Gift Box because Goddesses just adore presents.

2.03      The Queen Mother bestows Goddess titles for all Goddesses in the original group. She also bestows Goddess titles for the Goddess Queen of each chapter. 

2.04      Goddess Queens of each chapter bestow the individual Goddess titles for each Goddess in that chapter.

2.05      Goddesses who attend the first meeting in each chapter get to add “of the charter” to their title because titles can really never be too long.

 

III.         Membership

 

3.01      Becoming a member of the Smart Mouth Goddess Society is a very big deal & must be undertaken in a spirit of celebration & gratitude.

3.02    In order to actually BE a Smart Mouth Goddess, each Goddess shall pay membership dues of twenty dollars for each year thereafter. This will help to defray the cost of our website, the cost of your membership card and surprise (Goddesses LOVE surprises!) gift, and other stuff at the discretion of the Queen Mother.[i] 

3.03    All members of the Smart Mouth Goddess Society are Goddesses, and must act like proper Goddesses at all times. Put on that tiara and then live up to it every day.

 

IV.        Royal Gatherings

 

4.01      The Smart Mouth Goddesses shall gather regularly at a time and place of their choosing. Sometimes they will gather for fun, sometimes for business, sometimes for emergencies, and sometimes for planning or solving mysteries.

4.02      The biggest, best, most glorious celebratory Royal Gathering will be the one for the Pink Hat on the day she becomes a Red Hat.

4.03      At any Royal Gathering at a restaurant, all Goddesses must bring cash to pay for the meal. At the end of the meal, each Goddess will calculate the cost of her food and drink and add a minimum of 30% to cover the cost of tax and gratuity.[ii]

4.04      Information regarding upcoming gatherings shall be posted on the Smart Mouth Goddess Society website.    

 

V. Goddess Garb

 

5.01      All Smart Mouth Goddesses shall have certain fashion expectations at Royal Gatherings.

5.02      All Goddesses will wear tiaras that are appropriately sparkly – and really, they cannot be TOO sparkly.

5.03      Wearing makeup is mandated at all Gatherings and is not optional under any circumstances. No turquoise eyeshadow.

 

VI.        Royal Fundraising

 

6.01      The Smart Mouth Goddesses will have at least one event where funds are raised or items are donated to a worthy cause that helps other women.

 

VII.     Boys

 

7.01      While conceding that we may put up with boys, either individually or as a group, at most times in our lives, boys are wholly incapable of being Goddesses and are, therefore, not invited to our Royal Gatherings.

7.02      An exception to our “no boys” rule may exist at times when boys are needed to fetch, carry, agree, swoon, fancy-dance, sweet-talk, fix things, love-make, and/or buy us things.

7.03      Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

 

VIII.   Royal Rules

 

8.01      Be Particular![iii]

8.02      Make Waves![iv]

8.03      Love people out loud.[v]

8.04      Do one thing that scares you every day.

8.05      Make visible what, without you, might never have been seen.

8.06      Eat raw cookie dough.

8.07      Read every single word in any email from another Goddess.[vi]

8.08      Be kind.

8.09      Moisturize.

8.10      The Queen Mother can change any of these rules at her whim.

8.11      Mistressbate.

8.12      Do not arrive too early or too late.

8.13      Be generous.

8.14      Celebrate yourself. You are a phenomenal woman.

8.15      Live with intention and abandon.

[i] With enough members, the Queen Mother will be getting that plastic surgery she wants (at this point, all readers should quickly tell the Queen Mother that, although she is certainly entitled, by virtue of both her virtue and her title, to anything she wants, the last thing she needs is plastic surgery and she shouldn’t change one ounce of her cuteness in any way). Just kidding about this. Money from dues will really go to the expenses of the Society. Anything leftover will be donated to charity, probably A Simple Thread.

 

 

[ii] Goddesses are not cheapskates. Goddesses know where ATMs are located. Goddesses plan ahead. And Goddesses most definitely do not stick other Goddesses with picking up part of the tab because they don’t put in enough cash to cover the tax and a decent tip.

 

[iii] That is the Best Advice Ever Given in the History of the Entire World, according to Sweet Potato Queen Jill Browne. Think of the profound effect that following that advice would have on, say, your love life, your finances, your decision about next drink, or how much sleep to get. I mean, what do those two words not cover?

[iv] Make noise. Complain. Bitch out loud. Raise hell. Be a pain in the ass. Stand your ground. Never let someone say about you, "I'm not sure how she feels." Let people know. 

Speak up. Do not bite your tongue.

[v] I’m not talking about noisy sex here, but then again, that’s not a bad idea, either.

[vi] The word “read” in this rule does not mean skim. It means really read – every damn word.

 

You gotta have rules if you want to break them. 

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Goddesses can do absolutely anything!

We empower. We dissent. We give. We take. We love. We laugh.
We bleed on the pages of our lives.
We walk through walls.
We live with intention.
And we are very particular.

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